Musing
by The Lady Elizabeth
Summary: Remus muses about the relationship he had with Lily. RemusLily, JamesLily


Title: Lily  
Summary: Remus muses about the relationship he had with Lily.  
A/N: Please leave reviews, even if you don't like the story.

I think it's depressing how people can fool themselves so deeply. They can tell themselves just about anything and because they want it to be true- they need it to be _true_- they start believing it. Once they start to believe, it becomes so true for them that it starts to become true for everyone else around them.

Except for the one drunken cynic who stands alone by the bar and prays to God that none of this was happening.

I don't want to see them together. They had become so wrapped up in their little game that they hardly ever pay attention when my jaw sets when they touch. Her eyes always trail over my face with a momentarily sad expression before she catches herself and her green eyes sparkle with a love that I know is all make-believe.

I noticed Lily before James did. It was first year and I had watched the shy redhead pause before walking up to Sorting Hat. She had swallowed cautiously before it was placed on her head and our eyes had meet for that one moment. I looked away quickly, feeling heat burning on my face. Luckily, the other first years were too engrossed with their own Sorting that the blush on my face went unnoticed.

I didn't see much of her that year. I figure it was because I spent most of my time in the library hiding from the prying boys who would soon become my closest friends. I thought about her, though. I pictured the way her red hair always fell into one eye and how she always brushed it aside with her left hand and an exasperated look. Then, I would catch myself and go back to reading.

Second year was different. James, Sirius, and Peter had come into my life in a big way. I knew that James was only ever moments away from guessing my secret and although I ached to spend time with people who actually seemed to want me around, I fled from them whenever their questioning hit too close to home. That's when I found her.

We had both snuck up into the Astronomy Tower and were equally startled to see the other there. She had stood, clutching her book to her chest, eyes full of wild fright. I had begged her not to go, wanting to finally meet the girl I had been dreaming about for the past year.

It would all sound silly now, to listen to what we had said to one another that night. We talked about Potions and flying (neither of us liked to) and about how we had come up here to get away from all of the commotion of the school.

"It's nice up here," she confessed, looking up into the night. "Nobody comes up here and there's only the stars to you company." She had looked over at me at that point. "Except, there's you now."

Third year passed in much the same way. Lily and I did little more than nod or smile at one another in the halls when we passed, but at night, in the Tower, we talked about everything and anything that crossed out minds. Sometimes it was silly and playful and sometimes, we'd talk about things that would make our hearts break. Lily wasn't one for weeping, but whenever I talked about how I missed my sister who had died a year before I entered Hogwarts, her face would lower and I could see the wet trails of tears on her cheeks. I never said anything and she never said anything when she held me in her arms as I sobbed out my confession of being a werewolf.

I kissed her during fourth year. It was during a particularly nasty thunderstorm and the Tower was gently swaying in the winds. She had wanted to leave, her green eyes growing wide with the fright I had recognized during our first year. I had leaned over then and pressed my lips to hers. To say it was magic would have been lying, but it wasn't like anything else I had ever done before. She had ducked her head quickly, fear vanished from her eyes before scolding me and hurrying down the ladder. When I saw her the next day, she flashed a warm smile in my direction as I passed with James.

That's when it started. James had always thought the smile had been for him and he wouldn't listen to me when I said it wasn't. He didn't exactly take to her that year- thought she was a silly girl with too much hair and too little brains. Fifth year was a different story.

He chased after her relentlessly. Late at night, Lily would sit close to me as we talked and tell me how he frightened her. She didn't know what to do about this loud boy who wanted to be her boyfriend but didn't seem to want to know her first. When it rained was when she would say these things to me and I would put my arm around her shoulders and pull her in close. She was different down there, though. She would scream at James to bugger off and then, once night fell, whisper to me about how she wished that she could have her own castle far away where nobody could ever find her. I only listened when she was in those moods.

Like I said, it was during sixth year when I finally told her about my condition. James had already figured it out and I knew that I had to tell her at some point. I had remained calm and clinical about the whole process until I looked into her eyes. She had tears glistening in them, but was refusing to let any fall.

"Oh, Remus," she whispered and I felt a sob that I didn't know I was holding back escape from my throat. She held me close against her chest while I sobbed, rocking and whispering to me that she loved me and everything would be all right.

James increased his efforts and by the beginning of seventh year I noticed that Lily was beginning to lessen her wrath.

"Do you love him?"

"I love _you_."

I believed her because I knew it was true. I knew by the warm, gentle look in her eyes as she said it, but I also knew that something was happening. Sometimes, I would catch her looking at me with pain and sadness etched into her face. It would disappear immediately and the sparkle of her green eyes made me forget it was ever there.

In November, she began to miss nights and I sometimes sat up there for hours, waiting for Lily. One cold December evening, she took my hands in hers and stared at me for a long time before saying anything.

"We can never be anything," she said. I nodded. I knew it was true.

"But, James and I can. Remus, we're getting married once we're out of school." She pressed her lips to mine and I felt my eyes squeeze shut tightly. "I love you."

I knew why. She could marry James. I was a werewolf and even if her parents accepted the fact that she was a witch, they would never accept her marrying someone like me. James, on the other hand, was different. His family was old. They had money. Plus, he had no skeletons to hide from the world.

Lily could be happier with him.

I watch them kiss again, under the pale glow of the streetlamps, as they climb into their honeymoon car. Lily's face turns and her eyes met mine once more. I want to scream and run forward. I want to pull her away from James and never let her go back to him again.

Instead, I raise my glass to the happy couple and smile wryly.


End file.
